What the heck is wrong with the Akatsuki?
by TeenageNeko
Summary: The Akatsuki are acting strange, and poor Itachi isn't getting out without a mental scar. CRACK FIC SO MUCH CRACK IT'LL MAKE YOUR EYES BURN!


**WARNING: EXTREME CRACK UP AHEAD!**

* * *

It was a beautiful day at the Akatsuki hide out.

"Good morning everyone!" Yelled Pein. The leader did a little dance of joy. "Is it not just a YOUTHFUL morning!?"

The other members noticed something different about their leader's attire. Instead of his cloak and headband, he wore a green jumpsuit and orange leg warmers.

Itachi cocked an eyebrow. "Are you okay?"

Pein gave a chuckled. "I am hot diggity dog! Why are you so worried?"

The Uchiha shook his head. "Never mind." He turned to his friend. "Hey Kisame, is it me or is something different about him this morning?"

The missing nin thought for a moment. "You know what; I wish I had one of those sailor suits that the girls wear on anime."

Itachi was horrified. "That has nothing to do with the question I just asked you, and why would you even think that!?"

"I was only speaking my mind."

"Then go speak your mind somewhere else, because you just gave me a mental scar and I don't think it will ever go away!" With those words, Itachi left.

Itachi walked down the hall to his room.

_I must have been imagining things. Pein would never dress like that or talk like that and Kisame would never want that…or at least, I hope not._

He opened the door to Tobi sitting on his floor with…a Sasuke plushy!

"Tobi!" yelled Itachi, "What the heck is that!?"

"It's a Sasuke plushy."

Itachi twitched.

_Tobi had said that like it was normal._

"GET OUT!!!" he boomed.

Tobi ran out, clutching the Sasuke plushy to his chest.

Itachi slammed his door shut and reinforced it with wood. He shut his hammer down when he was finished nailing the wood in place.

_This can't be happening! Where do I go!? My partner wants to be a cross-dresser; my leader is acting like he's on crack and my Tobi…that sounds gay, that guy owns a stuffed version the brother I nearly killed a long time ago!!!_

He began to bang his head against the wall.

_Whatever shall I do!?_

"Itachi, I was wrong."

The Uchiha looked up at Kisame with big eyes. "Really!?"

The blue man laughed, "Yeah, I am. It turns out that there school uniforms, not sailor suits. I hope I don't have to enroll in a school to get one."

Itachi ran out of the room screaming like a disturbed girl.

Kisame frowned. "Is it something I said?"

* * *

Itachi ran until he reached Kakuzu'a room.

_Kakuzu is a reasonable man, he'll be sane….I think._

He slowly opened the door to find the man crouched down with his back to the door.

"Kakuzu?"

He turned around. "If you cut your hair, I can't sew it back on."

Itachi shook his head. "No, it's just that I-" He stopped.

Kakuzu was crouched by a large piece of fabric. Several clothe squares were lying on the floor nearby, along with a pin cushion, a pair of glasses and a thimble.

Kakuzu was sewing a quilt.

Itachi pointed to the half finished quilt. "W-what is that!?"

Kakuzu looked confused for a moment then gave a laugh. "Oh! This! The blanket on Hidan's bed somehow got in the middle of a ritual and was ruined, so instead of buying a new one, I'm sewing one for him myself." He got a serious look on his face. "Time is money, so move along so I can finish."

Itachi walked out in a daze.

_Him too? I'm doomed! The sane ones left are Deidara, Zetsu, Hidan, Konan and Sasori._

He started for Deidara's room.

* * *

Itachi put an ear on the door to listen. He began to sweat. The voice he was hearing was for more disturbing than the other things he had heard.

"Lefty, you prefer cherry pie, am I right? Righty, you asked for a piece of chocolate cake? Well I wanted a cookie!"

Everything went quiet.

"Well that's fine! With my Easy Bake Oven, I'll make everything in less than an hour!"

Itachi heard a crash.

"Lefty! You baka! Don't eat the cherries! Righty! Get away from flour! If you spill it, I'll blow you up!!!!.....actually, I can't do that. Just be careful."

Itachi ran to Sasori's room.

"Sasori!!!!"

He stopped at the door.

"Mom, you want some tea? Dad, would a biscuit satisfy your hunger?"

He walked in and saw Sasori sitting at a table with his mother and father puppets seated beside him.

The puppetmaster looked up. "Itachi!" He held up a teapot," Why don't you join us for some tea? You can sit by mommy!"

"You realize that they're not…."

Sasori sniffed, "They're not what?"

Itachi walked away. "Forget I said anything."

He raven haired man hurried down the hall.

_Okay, scratch Deidara and Sasori off the list. I'll check on Hidan._

Itachi knocked on the door. "Hidan! You in there?"

The door opened slowly.

Hidan stood on the doorway wearing a………priests robe! "Can I help you, brother Itachi?"

Itachi slowly walked away.

"Jashin will catch up to you Itachi! You just wait!"

_Hidan's off the list. Konan, don't fail me!_

Before he could turn the knob, the door opened. Konan walked out and looked at him with a strange expression on her face.

Itachi looked her over. "You're normal."

Konan frowned. "I'm………normal? Are you okay, Itachi?"

He nodded, "Yeah…"

They stood there in silence

"So….." Konan said.

"So…." Murmured Itachi.

Konan perked, "Wanna go get matching piercings!?"

Itachi ran away screaming, again.

Konan ran off to find Pein while muttering something about how one more piercing wouldn't hurt him.

* * *

Itachi slumped down in front of the door.

_Zetsu………please be normal!_

He walked in the room and saw Zetsu sitting in a giant pot!?

The plant guy turned around.

"Itachi, what brings you here **you better get out now or I'll eat you!!!!!**"

"Why are you in a big pot?"

Zetsu shrugged. "Its cozy **so don't judge!!!**"

Itachi leaned against the wall. "Hey Zetsu, have you noticed that everyone acting strange?"

Zetsu gave a stuck-up face.

"No I haven't **Maybe you're the one acting strange!**"

Itachi sighed. "I hope so, that would be better than Kisame wanting a schoolgirl uniform."

Zetsu tapped his chin. "I don't know, maybe he'd look good. You should try putting a Bump-It in your hair."

_Did he just say Bump-It?_

Itachi twitched. "B-bump-It?"

Itachi turned and left. He heard the plant man yell.

"Wait! Don't just lea**f! Get it!? Come back and join me in photosynthesis!**"

* * *

Itachi ran into the first room he found, which was Deidara's.

The blond was seated on a couch with a cookie hanging out of his mouth. Crumbs covered his left hand's mouth and his right hand's mouth was chewing.

Itachi ran out.

* * *

Itachi seen found himself in the living room.

It was possibly the scariest thing that he had ever seen in his life!

Everyone was playing Guitar Hero.

Pein (who seemed a little more pierced than normal) was playing guitar, Konan (who now sported several piercings on her face) was singing, Kisame (who was dressed like a school girl) was on base, Hidan (who was still in his robes) was on drums and Tobi (Who was dressed like Sasuke) was cheering like a fangirl.

Sasori was sitting on the couch with his puppets and Zetsu (still in his pot) was set by the TV.

Deidara ran in carrying a plate of brownies.

"Hey!" he yelled, "I made these with my Easy Bake Oven! You guys can have some! But if you find spit, it's not mine. Its lefty's."

Itachi looked around.

_So much weirdness!_

The door opened and Gaara and Kankuro ran in. The Kazekage was shirtless, wearing nothing but a pair of pink shorts and flip flops. Kankuro was dressed normal, except for having Temari and Baki strapped onto his back.

"Hey!" yelled Gaara, "Are you guys ready to party?!"

Kankuro pointed to Temari and Baki. "We brought Zetsu's dinner!"

A box magically appeared in Gaara's arms. "And we brought Barbie Monopoly and Bump-It's for everyone!"

Itachi began to have flashbacks of Sasuke begging him to play Monopoly.

_"Itachi, Itachi, Itachi, Itachi, Itachi, Itachi, Itachi, Itachi. Weasel, weasel, weasel, weasel, weasel, weasel, weasel, Weasel, Weasel."_

_"What!?"_

_"Play monopoly with me. Its Hello Kitty edition, and when we're done we can braid each other's hair because Uchiha men have long hair."_

_"NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!"_

Itachi began to twitch.

Shukaku tail and ears appeared on Gaara. "Im Gunna Eatchu! Rawr!" He yelled.

Kankuro pulled a large pot out of nowhere and began chopping vegetables. "I'm making stew!" He bellowed in a sing-song voice.

Millions on flowers blossomed on Zetsu's appendage.

"I'm pretty." He said with a blush.

Sasori began to sing. "I've got no strings to hold me down, make me fret, make me frown. I had strings, but now I'm free! There ain't no strings on me!"

Kankuro dumped Temari and Baki into the pot. Fire burned in his eyes.

"Burn baby burn! Burn baby burn!"

Gaara screamed in the background, "It's on fire!"

Itachi began to back away,

Sakura poofed behind him. "Itachi!"

He snapped, "What!?"

"I'm pregnant with your child! We're gunna name him Bob!"

Itachi cowered in a corner. "Who are you?"

Deidara tackled Itachi. "Itachi!"

The Uchiha screamed.

Deidara got a crazy look on his face. "I'm a woman!"

Itachi screamed again.

For no reson, Pein started polka dancing. After a few mintues he began saying 'Youth' over and over.

Itachi began to bite his nails.

_This has to be a dream!_

Sasuke came in out of nowhere. "Itachi! I challenge you......"

Everyone was silent, except for Pein, who was now saying 'Yosh' after every ten 'Youths'.

".....to a bake off on Deidara's Easy bake Oven!"

Deidara turned into a giant mouth and began to scream. "NOBODIES TOUCHING MY EASY BAKE OVEN!"

Gaara turned into Shukaku. "YEAH! NO ONEBODY TOUCHES HIS EASY BAKE OVEN!"

Sasuke activated his cursed seal and turned 'special'. "Yes! Hand over the oven!"

A cheerleader outfit appeared on Tobi. He began to cheer. "Go Deidara-sempai!"

Itachi ran and hid behind the couch.

_Not the hand-wings!_

Kankuro pulled a questionably large box of fried chicken out of his pocket.

"Your hand-wings are no match for my chicken wings!" He began to hurl them at Sasuke. "Taste my deep fried and greasy wrath!"

Kakuzu ran in."I bet ten million dollars in play money on Sasuke!"

Hidan grabbed the drum set and threw it at Konan.

"Kill the paper! Death to the paper!"

The camera zoomed in on his face. "The paper must DIE!"

Tobi began pelting Sasuke with orange lollipops. "Lollipop, Lollipop, oh! Lolly lolly pop!"

Sasuke suddenly died because he turned pink. "NO! I' m melting!"

Kankuro cocked an eyebrow. "You turned pink."

"NO! I'm melting."

"Whatever you say duck-butt!"

Gaara began to cry.

Everyone, except Pein, who was still saying 'Youth' and Yosh', ran over and started to hug him.

"Don't cry!" cooed Konan.

"Be silent!" yelled Hidan.

"I'll pay you if you shut up." Offered Kakuzu.

Gaara stopped.

"Do you accept play money?"

Gaara started to cry again.

"You made my brother cry."

Kankuro began to crack his knuckles.

Temari and Baki jumped out of the pot and started cracking their knuckles too.

"Prepare to DIE!"

Kankuro, Temari, and Baki all turned into Shukaku's.

"RAOR!" roared Temari.

Gaara turned into a chibi. "Mommies!"

Itachi twitched, again, "They can't all be your mommies. Baki and Kankuro are guys."

Sakura tapped him on the shoulder. "Guess what? Your pregnant!"

Itachi looked down at his large stomach.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!"

* * *

Itachi woke up in a cold sweat.

"Just a dream." He sighed with relief.

Little did he know, he was in the hospital waiting to go into labor.

**

* * *

**

That was crack.


End file.
